Friday, 21 February 2014

Pilot Food blogger-esque post.

My schoolmate Jasper suggested that we should do a "set up a food blog and write sarcastic reviews for shitty places". Since I have a blog and all the time in the entire world I should do a Chef Ramsay-wannabe test post with the worst grammER (yeah. grammER). The post will end with a guide on how to become the perfect douchebag write the perfect food review.

So here's the place I went to for lunch two days ago. It's a gyoza shop. Gyozas are the Japanese rendition of Chinese dumplings. The lunch set was 600yen (around US$6 or SGD$7.50).
I DO think that the price was REASONABLE? I thought, 'cos there were eleven gyozas + a piece of fried chicken + a coleslaw + a soup.  I DO give this place six stars for their effort and ability to mess up every single thing you DO see on the tray. The gyozas were exceptionally TASTELESS. Nobody screws up gyozas like nobody screws up a packet of instant noodles. Although all eleven pieces were the size of my toes but I swear my toes DO have better umami. Also I have to mention that the gyoza skin was too thin for my liking. To add on, I wasn't sure which was the soup - the coleslaw (a.k.a raw veggie juice) or the soup-soup. Adding a few sesame seeds to hot water doesn't make hot water a soup. DO Try adding sesame to pee and DO tell me if it turns magically into soup. And that lump of sauce on the plate. It hurted my feelings SO MUCH. I thought they were so generous to throw in some buantan Malaysia/Singapore sambal chili sauce for set, but NO it was the typical Chinese bean sauce. But even if it was sambal chili, it wouldn't have been able to save this shitty set lunch.


To conclude, here are necessary conditions to writing the perfect food review.
1. Go to a restaurant. Make it damn clear that you are a food blogger because the staff will be really scared of you and you'll receive the best service. (They might add extra ingredients to your food if you have shit for attitude.)
2. Take shitty photos of your food with your thousand-buck DSLR camera.
3. Go back and write a post about your experience on a MAC, an iPad or an iSomething.
4. Write in the worst grammar. Use tonnes of DOs,  -ed for stuff that doesn't require -ed for past tense and the invincible tag of ALTHOUGH & BUT. Oh oh also add -s to uncountable nouns - FOODS. STAFFS.
5. Always MENTION that some part of the food is either too soft/tough/cold/hot/smashy/squishy for your liking.

6. Don't forget to end your post with dumb suggestions like "it would have been better if the restaurant could give me complimentary dessert or parking."

*Author has worked in the F&B industry for four years and an almost Grade A in English.

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