So here's the place I went to for lunch two days ago. It's a gyoza shop. Gyozas are the Japanese rendition of Chinese dumplings. The lunch set was 600yen (around US$6 or SGD$7.50).
OKAY I'LL STOP THIS BECAUSE I AM LAUGHING TOO MUCH AS I WRITE.
To conclude, here are necessary conditions to writing the perfect food review.
1. Go to a restaurant. Make it damn clear that you are a food blogger because the staff will be really scared of you and you'll receive the best service. (They might add extra ingredients to your food if you have shit for attitude.)
2. Take shitty photos of your food with your thousand-buck DSLR camera.
3. Go back and write a post about your experience on a MAC, an iPad or an iSomething.
4. Write in the worst grammar. Use tonnes of DOs, -ed for stuff that doesn't require -ed for past tense and the invincible tag of ALTHOUGH & BUT. Oh oh also add -s to uncountable nouns - FOODS. STAFFS.
5. Always MENTION that some part of the food is either too soft/tough/cold/hot/smashy/squishy for your liking.
6. Don't forget to end your post with dumb suggestions like "it would have been better if the restaurant could give me complimentary dessert or parking."
*Author has worked in the F&B industry for four years and an almost Grade A in English.